What does home mean? What does it feel like? What does it look like? Is it wherever you make it? Is it a person? Is it whatever you want it to be?
I was born and raised in and near Seattle, Washington. I figured I would live my entire life there. My wife was born with wanderlust. She isn't very good at being in one place for very long. She likes new and shiny. I remember a fight we had a few years ago. I remember it very clearly. She had always wanted to move south. Mexico was the ultimate goal. Sun, beaches, more beaches. I never wanted to leave Washington. I loved the green, the rain, the mountains, the water. It was a big fight, but like most of our fights, it didn't last long. I don't even know if she remembers it. Then, it happened. A year ago, I was given the opportunity to teach in rural New Mexico. There was no water and no beach, but there was sun. There was something our children had never experienced before. So, we decided to take it. One year ago, I moved to New Mexico. Approximately 10 1/2 months ago, my family joined me in New Mexico.
There's something about moving 1500 miles away that no one ever talks about. No one ever talks about the loneliness. You can be in a town of 20,000 people and in a house of 5 and it is incredibly lonely. Teaching is a lonely profession too. Believe it or not. I spend my entire day with 12-15 year olds. They're not so good at water cooler talk and "office gossip." Trust me, they're really good at gossip, but I don't really care who broke up with whom this week. Thank God for our home. At least there, I've felt safe. I had my wife and my children and my mother. But when I would look around at the red rocks and the blue sky - it wasn't home.
"They" say that the first year of teaching is the hardest. (no, I do not know who they is) Let me tell you, it sucks. However, I had an ally. In many senses of the word, he kept me sane. He was there to bounce ideas off of and he listened to me vent. He made me a lot less lonely at school. Then, right after Thanksgiving break, he was gone. Just poof - there one day and gone the next. Don't worry - he's not dead or anything as morbid as that. Just other circumstances took him out of teaching and out of town. And when he left, I was lonely again. At least at school. Not to say anything of the fact that his departure reeked of injustice and homophobia. So, I felt unsafe. Unsafe in my school and classroom. And no one at school wanted to talk about it. So, the what ifs invaded my brain. What if... What if... What if...
Things have gotten better over the last few months. I can figure out when not to go shopping at Wal-Mart. I have students that want to talk to me and be in my class. I have come to enjoy hiking with virtually no shade in sight. I know where to go visit the tall trees. I still have no water nearby and the people are sometimes ... odd. But, who's not? But it's still not home.
So, I'm going home. My wife is already there. I'm jealous. That's OK to admit, right? I'm terribly jealous. She's well on her way to finding a new job and she gets to wake up to green. I am here and terribly lonely and I wake up to rocks. Tomorrow (today) I wake up to politics and a new principal. I go to work with people that know me on the surface. There is no one that I trust to kick me under the table in case I say something I shouldn't. I hardly ever say anything I shouldn't since I don't know anyone well enough to be that vulnerable. I want to be home now. I have no idea what I'll do for money when I get there. I have a house to pack up and move. I refuse to be paralyzed with anxiety and fear though. Because she's at home. She's going to be there when I get home. I need to pack up and get the heck out of here as soon as I can. I need water and trees and rain and her. I need her. She used to tell me she didn't need me, but she wanted me in her life and that was much more powerful. It was...now, every fiber of my being needs to be with her. I need our family to be together. I need us. I have no idea how to end this rambling, ranting, continuous thought. However, "there's no place like home...there's no place like home."
